My Heart: As a lonely hunter…
July 30, 2006
Today has been a day of many things for me. I woke up knowing that I only had about 2 ½ days left and could hardly stand the thought of being back in Knoxvegas with the people that love me, and are welcoming me back with open arms. My thoughts have also been plagued with the thought of not doing enough since I have been here in NOLA, and leaving its people and returning to my quote/unquote normal life. (What is that by the way)?
My heart ached today with many ideas and dreams pulling at it. I watched some movies today that got my mind working, thinking about my past, the life that I currently call my own, and the future that I have tried really hard to put into God’s Hands. My heart today felt as though it was a lonely hunter. It ached to be known, to help more than it has, for a place it currently calls home, and for a place that it has only seen a glimpse of and yearns to see more of.
What exactly does being a lonely hunter mean? I know that when I picture a hunter, I see someone sitting in a desolate place, knowing that something that the hunter wants will eventually cross its path, waiting to see what it wants, aiming and firing. Gracefully capturing what it’s been seeking and waiting for, for months. Years even. I suppose that you could call my heart a hunter, but what it’s seeking I’m not quite sure of yet.
Today my heart was looking for something to be enough. Most of you know what I mean when I say enough… Something to make me feel worth the work that I do, worth the time that I spend loving people, and worth the life that I live.
I felt alone today in the world that I live in. And as the saying goes, when you feel like the world has turned its back on you, take a second look, most likely you have turned your back on the world… and today, I did. It was more comfortable that way. Safer that way. Not that I felt better with my back turned, but I suppose that it was easier that way.
I’m not sure what I’m hunting for. A feeling? A person? A place? I really have no idea. I might guess that when I find it, that I will still question it’s reality in my life, and if it fits what I think I’m looking for. Which, again, I’m still not sure of.
What I do know for sure is that I keep hunting. I keep setting myself in places that have the ability to cultivate great captures, great trophies, if you will. It’s at times hard to hunt, a bit discouraging and sometimes leaves an empty, worthless feeling. Been there done that, am here doing that. But there are a few things that I believe that aid my heart and its lonely ache… the idea that I know God has a plan for the life that I feel hasn’t done enough, for the lives that I will encounter on my hunt towards whatever it is I’m seeking, and for my heart: as a lonely hunter.
So I’ll sit and wait. Patiently. Quietly. Waiting to see the prize that I have waited months, even years to see. I will aim and fire. And trust that in God’s time, I will see, have and hunt for what I want, need and eventually will call my own. And even then, my heart will long for more. More of what God has, more of what it doesn’t know and the dull pain that will exist until I am Home, and see-as a hunter, what my lonely heart has ached for all along.
July 30, 2006
Today has been a day of many things for me. I woke up knowing that I only had about 2 ½ days left and could hardly stand the thought of being back in Knoxvegas with the people that love me, and are welcoming me back with open arms. My thoughts have also been plagued with the thought of not doing enough since I have been here in NOLA, and leaving its people and returning to my quote/unquote normal life. (What is that by the way)?
My heart ached today with many ideas and dreams pulling at it. I watched some movies today that got my mind working, thinking about my past, the life that I currently call my own, and the future that I have tried really hard to put into God’s Hands. My heart today felt as though it was a lonely hunter. It ached to be known, to help more than it has, for a place it currently calls home, and for a place that it has only seen a glimpse of and yearns to see more of.
What exactly does being a lonely hunter mean? I know that when I picture a hunter, I see someone sitting in a desolate place, knowing that something that the hunter wants will eventually cross its path, waiting to see what it wants, aiming and firing. Gracefully capturing what it’s been seeking and waiting for, for months. Years even. I suppose that you could call my heart a hunter, but what it’s seeking I’m not quite sure of yet.
Today my heart was looking for something to be enough. Most of you know what I mean when I say enough… Something to make me feel worth the work that I do, worth the time that I spend loving people, and worth the life that I live.
I felt alone today in the world that I live in. And as the saying goes, when you feel like the world has turned its back on you, take a second look, most likely you have turned your back on the world… and today, I did. It was more comfortable that way. Safer that way. Not that I felt better with my back turned, but I suppose that it was easier that way.
I’m not sure what I’m hunting for. A feeling? A person? A place? I really have no idea. I might guess that when I find it, that I will still question it’s reality in my life, and if it fits what I think I’m looking for. Which, again, I’m still not sure of.
What I do know for sure is that I keep hunting. I keep setting myself in places that have the ability to cultivate great captures, great trophies, if you will. It’s at times hard to hunt, a bit discouraging and sometimes leaves an empty, worthless feeling. Been there done that, am here doing that. But there are a few things that I believe that aid my heart and its lonely ache… the idea that I know God has a plan for the life that I feel hasn’t done enough, for the lives that I will encounter on my hunt towards whatever it is I’m seeking, and for my heart: as a lonely hunter.
So I’ll sit and wait. Patiently. Quietly. Waiting to see the prize that I have waited months, even years to see. I will aim and fire. And trust that in God’s time, I will see, have and hunt for what I want, need and eventually will call my own. And even then, my heart will long for more. More of what God has, more of what it doesn’t know and the dull pain that will exist until I am Home, and see-as a hunter, what my lonely heart has ached for all along.
posted by kelli at 1:27 AM
<< Home